No. 7: Trying
A few weeks ago, my boyfriend found something out about me. I won't say what, but it was something that I'm ashamed of and will forever regret. I wasn't careful, but if I had been, I wouldn't have done anything in the first place. However, I didn't care when I did it. I have no excuses. I could say that I wasn't happy, that we had so many problems, but these aren't excuses. They are just words that I try to justify my actions with.
I have hurt my boyfriend so badly. I just want to take it all back and heal him, make him forget. But I can't and I don't know what to do. I am such a bad person that I cannot live with myself. I can't be alone with my terrible thoughts for fear that I will do something I will again regret.
I am so lost in my life. I seek the direction that I so desperately need. I have no resources to make things right, not only with him, but within my own life. I am trying to become a better person for him. I'm making myself into a person in which he can find comfort, love, intelligence and plans for a future again. I am now a person that will be beside him when he needs me, to take care of him, to listen and to lend a shoulder to cry on. I know we can be in a relationship again. I will show him that I have the will to be a better person. Maybe he will see my efforts and want me again.
I want him to be with me because we love each other, but it seems that I've already lost his love forever. I have realized through this experience that he loves me more than anything, not that he was losing interest as I previously thought. I only wish that I had remembered that sooner. I can only hope that I find some direction in my life and our relationship, fast.
I have hurt my boyfriend so badly. I just want to take it all back and heal him, make him forget. But I can't and I don't know what to do. I am such a bad person that I cannot live with myself. I can't be alone with my terrible thoughts for fear that I will do something I will again regret.
I am so lost in my life. I seek the direction that I so desperately need. I have no resources to make things right, not only with him, but within my own life. I am trying to become a better person for him. I'm making myself into a person in which he can find comfort, love, intelligence and plans for a future again. I am now a person that will be beside him when he needs me, to take care of him, to listen and to lend a shoulder to cry on. I know we can be in a relationship again. I will show him that I have the will to be a better person. Maybe he will see my efforts and want me again.
I want him to be with me because we love each other, but it seems that I've already lost his love forever. I have realized through this experience that he loves me more than anything, not that he was losing interest as I previously thought. I only wish that I had remembered that sooner. I can only hope that I find some direction in my life and our relationship, fast.
posted by Reno Revolver at 10:40 AM
9 Comments:
Weasel, I should like to leave a rather lengthy comment, but it will have to wait for now.
In the meantime, however, you said you are really trying and that you want resources to help. OK. Do you really mean this? If so, then I suggest you delete the comment by buflchubbs and pretend you never read it--it will only HINDER you.
When you need help, seek guidence from those who are smater and more wiser than you--and those who truly care for you. Lose the Buflchubs crap, and fucking get real here, OK?
Per previous comments, I have deleted BuflChubbs' comment. It simply wasn't the direction I was looking for.
In response to your question, Wolfgang: Yes, I do really mean it. I want to better myself. Since you are one of the people I know is smarter and wiser, I humbly await what you have to say about all this. I appreciate whatever it is that you have to say and thank you in advance.
Ok, I believe you.
I'll have to think about this a bit.
But, in the mean time, let's start with this: You said you deleted Buflchubs comment because it wasn't the direction you were looking for. WRONG! That's like seeking advice from only those people who will tell you what you want to hear. This is the wrong attitude for growth. It is good that you deleted it (this ought to become apparant to you soon, if it hasn't already), but it should have been for OBJECTIVE reasons, not subjective ones, like your personal wants. When it comes to truth, character development, and so forth, your subjectivity is the last standard by which you should be judging--at least at this stage in your life.
much of what I'll tell you, I'm sure, may not be the direction you want to go. But that just begs the question: It may BE the direction you OUGHT to go, whether you want to or not--this holds even for the stupid crap buflchubs said; though I'm telling you her's is not what you ought to be doing. You see this I hope (I have not even read Steve's response to her yet, but I will).
I'll get back to you.
I'm almost disappointed that I didn't get to read this illuminating Bufflchubs post. But not quite.
I suppose I'm not smarter and wiser? I think that as long as you did what was true to you, then it's right. Ha!? Anyway, I think Wolfy will have the best advice here, so I won't offer my unsolicited opinion.
I think I'll ask Bufflchubs what she thinks about altruism.
Thanks, Wolfgang, you're right. "Want" is not the correct word I should have used in my comment. My initial post was to get some feedback about what I should ("ought to") do and that should have been reflected correctly in my comment. Sorry for any misunderstanding.
Start being more careful in your choice of words, we pedantic philosophy types take what is stated, so as to avoid mental scying.
Eveyone seems to think that I'll provide the best advice for this case; perhaps, insofar as I provide advice for this case. But frankly, Weasel, I don't really know what to say to you.
I don't have a sympathetic ear toward what you've done (as it has been told to me), nor do I like what has transpired. So, given all the shit I've been thru with women, I'm hardly unbiased here. But I'm also not an uncaring person. I care for you because Steve is one of my best friends. You have a 'blessing by association' with my Friend. Now, this does not imply that I don't genuinely have care for you, just that it initiated with my Friend. If i didn't cae, i wouldn't be writing all this shit when i could be watching Southpark.
Now, there are a million things I'd like to say to you, but I can't express myself monosylabic enough to tell you (Just kidding--I couldn't resist the Mallrats allusion).
OK, so, some of what I would want to tell you is stuff that is on my blog--scour it and read all the pertinent things (including comments) Some things on there are relevant, some things are not.
But there are more pressing things to speak of, I gather, such that I ought to be contributing something 'fresh.' My approach here is not 'go read a text by Aristotle, and Confucius, and ....' This would only help if a number of things were already in place--and I'm not sure they are, yet.
First, let me say this: feeling bad is normal, but it is rarely ever substantive enough to carry along true moral change: I'm not impressed that you feel bad about all this and that you want to make things right--that's precisely how you OUGHT to be feeling, so I'm not impressed that you feel as you ought. Now, I'll be impressed if you display the sort of action that is indicative of such feelings, but that requires WILL-POWER to do what you may not want to do, to do what you may not feel like doing. Moral change requires THOUGHT (far more than feelings, though they are a part of it); but such thoughts are meant for psychological change--you have an incredibly muddleheaded veiw of love, relationships, and the so forth--so change youtr thoughts and the attitude ought to follow.
This is what the word "repent" means in the scriptures, it is a notion that is extremely iluminating even outside of Christianity. The New Teatament speaks of "repentance" or "metanoesis" which is a compound word. "Meta" meaning "change" and "noesis" meaning the operation of thought or "thinking". A 'metanoesis' is a change of one's thinking, such that you repudiate all identification with one's moral failure. In this case, it is a change of one's thinking regarding a particular state, attitude, and behavior. Now, it is hard to fully seperate those three things, but there are some differences. Your character-state must change in quality; your attitude toward values much change objects (that is, your attitude must embrace and reflect the right values); your behavior must change substantively in that you mst start doing those things that are indicative of the aforementioned changes.
Now, all this seems a bit too abstract, perhaps, so just think on this for a moment: If you do not value persons or things (including both physical entities--corporeal objects--as well as mental entities--ideas) then your attitude and behavior will reflect that, and your character will be set accordingly. So, changing one's character entails changing one's behavior and attitude.
Now, before I can really say anything, I need to hear what you think about all this--all that has happenened and all that you think and feel about it. If you are willing to devulge such things to me, I suggest you contact me, either by phone (never after 930pm) or email. But I would prefer not by email since It takes me forever to type a damn thing.
But in short, you simply need to follow through with everything you say. And you need to start really thinking over and above your emotions--take responsibility for your actions. There are no excuses for your choices--you choose them because your reasons were self-centered and that was the most important thing to you. that's why you did what you did. Stop kidding yourself about all this 'loving him more than anything' stuff. Bullshit. A just an objective matter of fact, you do not love him more than anything--your attitude and behavior reflect that fact--you do not at present have the capacity to love someone as strongly as you FEEL for him. And your attitudes and behaviors stem from your character dispositions. Now, this can change, however, that's why we are even discussing all this shit. This means that love requires more than feelings. You felt all kind of stuff and you acted based on that. Well, there is a whole lot more to it than feelings. It's time to grow up and start really plowing ahead into what it takes to develop real capacity for love. It starts with objective thought, not subjective feeling. If you're not up for this I understand, most people are not. But we are not like most people.
Note: This is not my advice contribution, this is just a preliminary something or other.
Balls
I think your latest posts (the ones you've put up in the last two weeks) have been your best. Keep up the good work!
Because your comment isn't ambiguous.
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